SUMMER<3

summer is a bummer if you can't leave this pathetic excuse for a town<3

i'm gonna miss this pathetic excuse for a town,
i'm gonna miss taty and shelby and gabby and destinee & all my friends.
i wish this would never end<3>

BiTCH! BANG! BOOM!

and then all i could do was watch.
everything can change in a couple of minutes.
and all you can do is sit back and watch as everything flies.
first as my future changed permenantly with the removal of what was once a vital key to my survival.
second i watched it being altered again, this time more swiftly with more resistance,
but to no avail.
sometimes things just all fall down,
walls,
relationships,
stability.

my arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights

i know i did some things,
but that's the old me

locked up in a chamber of discomfort,
locked into the mess once created by humor,
the overreaction to many rumors
killed a soul of smiles,
locking the indispensable sunshine in a box,
suffocating the smiles,
chocking the spirit.
each small part
smothered,
shoved away,
trying to materialize,
coming out as tears.
tears of sadness,
tears of fear,
tears of hurt,
tears of mistakes,
mistakes made,
mistakes made and remade,
with pen, not pencil,
written in forever without an eraser.

working it out, working it out, your so damn hard.

i am running out of words to say to you,
wondering why i'm wasting my time

Twelfth night started yesterday.
apparently we have 3 hour rehersals on wednesdays.
sorry but we only have six weeks,
we don't have our parts yet,
and we have 3 hour rehersals on wednesdays.
gabby was right,
i am sick of it already.

My table was the last table to leave,
and i don't think thats a good thing?
marco wrote on my wallet.
my one thats tokidoki.
i got pretty mad.
so i tried to get it off,
and i faded out parts of it,
but i couldn't get it off.
so i'm trying oxi clean when i can.

I spent all of my money buying dinner, pj day, and lunch.
so now i have to walk the dogs in the morning or no coffee.
i'd make it myself here,
but we have no milk so it would taste really bad.

I got my script after we got all of the cuts,
so i'm going to ask katie mccourt if she has them.

not quite ready [to let go]

so tired .

walked the dog for what felt like forever .

centuries to enternities .

seconds to minutues .

years to decades .

i went to the mall with lizzie ,[ yes . ohyes . yes . ]

and saw issac.![:

and bought a green shirt for st. (catholic) lepers day ;

(tomorrow );;

today was class color day [? )

so we shone like sunshine ..

in a bleary .. cold .. ugly .. building . [ofevil.!(hearitrawr!)]

i had to rewear what a wore friday (laundered)

so i felt like a repeat .

a really zebra-stripey repeat.

got a headband from frenche :shes not getting it back ,,

the shirt had a _ dinosaur on it .

its perrty cute (:

wednesday awaits .

doesn't sound like fun .

but i hope it ends up that way.

_the summer is a bummer if you can't leave_

you make me happy .

have you ever listened to a song,
when the first time you heard it,
the first three bars make your heart scream?
when you don't know why,
and the songs read all your dreams?
like a book,
left on the table,
or a diary,
open on a counter,
like a pitcture,
left up on a screen?
this kind of song knows me,
sees me,
feels me.

my body lies over the ocean . my body lies over the sea .

wednesday .
wednesdays .
changing for now, coming back later.
Twelfth Night is starting up this wednesday. ..

there's a new ACT contract I had to sign .
ugh.,
I hate it.
all the things I did wrong,
all the things I seem to find hard to avoid.
a new adventure .
a new song .
a new star being born in my galexy of memories .

I have the feeling I want to play Feste.
He's a clown .
He's sweet .
He's funny .
Meghan Wales will probobly end up with the part .
but who knows ?
Matt knows me . and I was funny in HSM .
[ well thats what i was aiming for ]
I hope I get a part I enjoy .
It'll distract me from the annoying people I'm forbidden to make fun of.

Dear Jamie,
I've got a Letter I would like to send.
It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the ends.
But should I trust this dialect,
to convey the right effect?

Dear Jamie,
I've got some things I'd like to set in pen.
I would have used a pencil but that's just not permenant.
Should I trust my printers ink,
To express the things I think?

Every time I tried my best to think of something to contest with
Inside jokes and other folks who've got much more to say.

When Two Worlds Collide .

the future seems so far away .
farther away then the days i look back on today.
farther away then the songs my heart sung yesterday.
flying through a field of daisys or walking through a river of soft smooth stones,
neither will ever prepare for a beach with sand made of knifes.
each stepdigging deeper into the souls of shoes,
until they easily slide through unsuspecting toes.

just as worse.

rewind your mind the the other days.

it goes back way far away.

where the flowers grow,

and the people don't know,

where everything seemed okay.

when you've tried forever,

hoping for better,

and a piece of it comes along,

what happens to the dream?

the whole entire theme,

of the hope mustered,

through fluster and buster.

to the chorus of the song,

to the love in i love you.

to the sun in the daylight,

to the sand in the desert.

to the soul in the shoe,

to the turquoise in the blue.

to the theme in the dream,

to exactally what i need.

the best lies i ever told myself

I've been looking back on High School Musical as a horror story,

Wren,

"The Peter Video,"

Juliana and her shoe.

But I was looking a some photos today,

That someone I used to be close friends with put up,

and I realized that High School Musical was probably the best part.

I kept me from falling apart completely,

I could see my best friends every week.

Lots of things were really great about that show,

but the strongest feeling I had for it was wishing it was over.

I always think,

"I wish things would go back to the way it was in October and November."

But that's not it.

It was High School Musical that started all of these great things from happening.

Saturday, Marco asked me what my big thing with Disney's HSM1,2,+3 was.

I didn't have an answer.

I found it.

High School Musical was the best part of my life before it fell apart.

But the most awful thing is that while it was the best part of my life,

I did some of the worst things.

I ditched tons of friends,

friends that had cared.

I hurt tons of people that there was no reason to hurt.

The worst thing is that if it wasn't for the friends I had ditched during High School Musical,

I never would have done it.

I wouldn't have my best friends,

and worse.

I went to Sam and Tori's show last night.

I went home and I felt so awful.

All because of the look I saw on someones face.

some bows are glued, and some are just tied.

i feel ugly today.

i'm looking through all of my pictures and i want to delete them all.

my hair looks cute.

but i feel ugly.

i'm really tired.

the more i sleep the more tired i am.

im grounded, but i can't be,

i have plans.

i'm seeing mattie and noah for the first time in a long time tomorrow,

and on friday jess and alana are sleeping over after a movie with marco.

i hate this.

now im scared and frusterated.

i'm really flustered.

really unsure.

nothings happening the way its suposed to and i still have things to do, a life to live, and friendships to figure out.

i keep thinking,

i have too much time to think now.

i can't think.

thinking makes everything harder.

how time flies. when compassion dies.

i hate school.

i hate math.

i hate being stupid.

i hate how everything's hard to do.

i hate how i leave it all to late at night.

i hate how frustrating things are.

how hard things are.

how awful things are.

i hate it when people walk in and say things like,

"this will prepare you for when you go to college."

because they can go fuck themselves.

i'm not going to college.

i don't want to learn math and science and english.

i want to act.

i want to do something worthwhile that i enjoy.

not things that make me feel stupid and slow,

because i'm not smart.

i'm not good at math, or science or english.

i'm bad at school.

i wish everything was as easy as performing.

where i just knew my way around.

but even then i get confused.

i cry sometimes because i feel so stupid and i know my parents are disappointed in me.

they always are.

whether its my behavior or my brain,

there's always something wrong with me.

it's like there's nothing good about me that matters to me.

and it's not like i try.

i try to do my work right.

i used to try to make them happy too.

but every time i tried something i would get crushed.

because either it wouldn't matter or i would fail.

i suck at school.

not everyone goes to college.

i hate feeling like a failure.

like i'm hopeless.

i hate it.

i feel awful.

i'm exhausted.

and i still have math homework that i don't have any clue how to do to finish.

it's first period today,

and i don't even have homeroom to figure it out.

i just want to get all of this school shit over with.

it's a bitch.

all it does is lower my self esteem.

and make me feel scared.

bay view needs to go fuck itself.

sometimes;

it hurts too much to think.

i wonder how much i,

hurt people,

love people,

annoy,

love,

hate,

sing,

dance,

feel happy.

i wonder how many people i used to be friends with,

miss me,

love me,

would take me back.

who are my friends,

who am i,

i think,

are my dreams going to come true?

what am i learning,

what am i feeling,

why am i here?

do the photos matter,

for fun,

or for proof?

i wonder why,

why we cry,

feel,

listen,

care,

love.

Happy Birthday Marco Nicola!

(:.

Happy Birthday.

This year will be great.

This year,

it's time to surprise us again.

Make us gasp.

Make us smile.

Surprise us.

This,

is a great year to make it big.

Can't decide. Can't run. Can't hide.

it's one or the other and i can't ask for more.

liked things better the way they were before.

i know what i should do,

but i'm not strong like the two of you.

i feel sick.with worry? with what?

i'm not sure.

what happens

if sam's wrong?

i don't doubt him.

but i worry.

i can't live without some of my friends.

or can i?

not the one's who helped me live.

i can't push them aside.

but,

did i start it?

i don't think so.

was i a bitch?

yes.

but.

he could have waited.

he should have known

not to start anything.

but i should have known that he would.

i know him so well.

like a part of me?

i didn't say it first.

but it makes sense.

we used to do everything together.

but now.

im not trusted.

but i am?

opinions change so fast.

like raindrop evaporating into the sky.

friendships rising up,

forgotten.

pushed aside.

after a rain drop splatters on the ground,

it flies up to the sun.

evaporated by the heat,

only to coe down again?

i want to come down again.

come down to the ground.

where i belong.

where do i belong?

i've been kicked out.

where does a homeless raindrop go.

i always ignored people who really care about me.

i ignored them for my other friends.

the friends that seem to find it easy to get rid of me.

with no pain for them.

and a mountain for me.

i wish i knew what he was thinking.

i wish i knew what shelby was thinking.

i wish i knew what everyone was thinking.

then i could fix this.

i would know what to say like i used to.

i was once able to keep him from getting mad at me.

but now all i seem to be able to do is get him mad at me.

he says he forgives me.

he says he wants the old me back.

there are lots of people who told me that when i first started hanging out with him.

i didn't care.

i didn't pay attention.

some people i once counted as my friends don't talk to me anymore.

and now he doesn't either.

but i would still never trade the months i was friends with him for things to be like they were a year ago.

i don't know if i trust him.

he doesn't trust me.

what if no one does?

what if i am two faced?

and infantile?

and bitchy?

and what if we're never friends again.

what will i do then?

what would i do then?

my head hurts.

last night i thought it was from caffine deprevation.

i was wrong.

it was him.

my head hurts.

i feel sick.

all i want to do is lie down and cry.

and worst of all.

he doesnt care.

what if sams wrong?

what if he doesn't call?

what would i do then?

he was right.

i am alone without him.

no matter how many friends i have,

no matter how many people love me,

i will always be alone without him.

so you want everything back to normal?

then why did you change it?

you say i changed.

no,

you changed me.

i say you're shallow.

no,

i am.

you take me out when i put you back?

yes.

i wasn't the one who was trying so hard to be friends anyway.

no. we're not bestfriends.

because everyone can see your top even i it's not on your profile.

when i moved you i moved you down.

not off.

when you said we were friends again i moved you back.

well.

you didn't.

apparently lots of things have changed.

i didn't bring people into this.

they did.

because maybe they care.

i feel alone.

i feel lost.

i feel like a sucky friend.

even if everyone says you're the bad friend.

i can't help but feel like this is all my fault.

like i'm to blame for all of this.

you say we're like one person.

so when you blame me are you blaming yourself?

i'm not sure.

i want everything to go back to the way it was.

when we did everything together.

whenever i went somewhere you did.

whenever you did anything,

i did.

there was truth in that.

i thought everything would go back to normal.

but theres something missing.

you don't trust me.

you think i'm two-faced.

i'm crumbling.

would i die without you?

i know by now that i'd cry without you.

but is it worth it?

i get so confused.

all of these things i once ignored.

they're bothering me now.

i never once questioned this friendship.

even now,

after the apologies.

things have been said that i can't ignore.

things have been heard that i can't forget.

i'm really hurt.

how could you say those things?

even now,

after i've said ive forgivin you.

what is wrong with me?

why am i questioning this now?

why now?

have i changed?

am i two faced?

so many questions that don't have an answer.

i had fun with sam and caroline and trevor and tom saturday(:

+alana and blake and tori friday.

watch this. thanks(:

mimi still loves rodger but is rodger really jelous? or afraid that mimi's weak?

mimi did look pale.

mimi's gotten thin mimi's running out of time,

and rodger's running out the door.

i quit. dying in america at the end of the millennium.

you're what you own.

that was a nice talk. too bad nice isn't honest enough to solve the worlds problems.

Maggie went and talked to me after Spanish and was like,

"Do you want to come and talk about the 'thing' at lunch?"

and I was like,

"I don't know." I didn't want to watch anyone crying.

I hate watching people cry.

It makes me sad.

And worried.

It wasn't too bad.

It was just really awkward.

I don't mind awkward.

Just I was a bit annoyed.

Maggie doesn't want anyone saying anything mean.

She thinks we don't have to be mean, but the whole thing is mean.

It's all mean.

I think we all know that.

And there's no way to get done with this unless we end it meanly.

Everyone just has to be honest.

Maggie says anyone can be honest and not be mean.

I don't think that's true.

There are just some things that are mean.

The things that need to be said right now to end this are mean.

It's not going to get "resolved" until everyone comes to terms with the fact that people are mean. And that sometimes,

You have to be mean.

But it's not being mean. It's just honesty.

Being interpreted as being mean,

Because it is.

But it's nicer to be honest than to keep it inside.

Keeping things inside hurts you in the long run.

So people just need to talk.

It doesn't matter if there's going to be crying or yelling or brutal honesty.

Because what needs to be said is going to be said sometime.

No matter who it's too,

Or who hears,

It's all going to be said.

So why not just say it now?

It's not going to fix anything.

It's not going to change anything.

But this needs to be over.

So let's finish what we started.

you bring me down so its time to leave but trust me bitch its you not me.

"I die, without you.

I cry, without you."

-Without you, Rent

I'm looking for another road, another way. I want to stay.

How can I stay in a home where no one loves me?

I come home and no one say hello.

I cry and no one hugs me.

They pretend I don't exist.

There are things I need.

Like food.

Like friends.

Like love.

They don't want to give me that anymore.

Some people don't want me here anymore.

There are so many things I want to do,

So many people I want to meet.

In October, I was walking with my best friend up to pizza pier to meet our other besties.

I was talking about how much I hated Rhode Island and School and being here.

About how I would love to just get out and go live in Hawaii or California.

And how I had wished I had never moved.

He reminded me of something I would have missed out on,

Something that if I moved, I would miss out on.

"If you had never moved you never would have met us."

I can't bring myself to move,

But I can't figure out how I can stay.

wishes you didn't want to come true?

whats wrong with me?

why am i so confused?

why can't i make a decision?

so many things, negitive.

some blinded by their own needs.

some posers.

what would it be like if i was like a rain drop?

if i could just stay out in the sun until i evaporated?

would i do it? i couldn't by myself.

but what if i couldn't stay?

what if i couldn't go with other rain drops?

what if i had to start over by myself?

could it do it?

home? hell no. home is where the heart is♥

Where is my heart?

Here with all of my friends?

Or in Hawaii?

My mother told me not to come back when I left for California.

She also said some other things. There's a reason she doesn't keep people close for more than 10 years.

I've done over 10.

Where's my prize?

No where to be seen.

How could I live in Hawaii without certain people?

Sure, I could try to make new friends.

I would miss the ones I have now too much.

Moving is a hard decision to make in an airport when your flight has 30 minutes left to board.

A decision I couldn't make.

So now I'm "home."

For Now?

Forever?

truth?haha.sure.but not unless i can keep whats hidden to myself.

Some things that make me happy are strange and unexpected.

Is this good or is this bad?

Sure,

Things will change.

Hopefully for the better this year.

I want this to be the year.

I want good things to happen this year.

That would make it a nice year.

I'll try not to look back and reflect more than once.

2008 was both the worst and the best year of my life so far.

I did some horribl things to myself.

I got confused alot.

I made a couple of best friends that will last me a life time.

I'm sure of it.

I made some friends I set out to make,

and one or two that I didn't.

I'm lucky for all of them.

They helped me get out of some horrible destructive shit.

And I love them for it.

I discovered that you can't loose a relationship with someone if you've never had it,

and that sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get rid of the negitive people in your life.

This year I'm not going to sit in a corner, I'm going to be positive.

Last year was horrible. I was a mess. That's going to be my regret.

One thing that did happen though, the thing that made this year also the best year,

Was my friends. They're great.

I'm not just going to wish for a happy new year this year. I'm going to make it a happy new year.