insecurity.

it even gets to me here. even worse because i can't see them. all of the questions running through my head,
"would i be invited if i was at home?"
"will thins be the same when i get back?"
"do they miss me or are they just saying that?"
"when they don't reply are they mad or not home?"
each question longer than the next, i thought i was getting over all of my insecurities and self doubt. i was wrong and without those people it's slowly eating me up. Everything is confusing me. Even the television blaring in front of me is perplexing and terrifying for a reason i can't explain. i never want to leave but i need to get back.
"what if i come back and i'm not as good a friend as i was before?"
it's horrible being insecure. but even worse knowing it and not being able to stop it.

arrived.MERRYXMAS

my leaing home was just as great as my being home. according to my bitch of a mother im a bitch who doesn't care about others and i'm condecending too., oh yes and she told me never to come back. i hate that. she's evil. i am so mad at alice rayner too. she told my mother that gabby and marco were "mean people" i mean, wtf? they're both very nice, gabby esp. she's like one of the nicest people i've ever met! just bc she's not friends with them she thinks they're "mean"? it's so silly. and low.
i've had a great time in california so far though[: its so pretty here, cold though.../:but its still so much warmer. i've had poptarts for breakfast every morning. i have horrible eating habbits, lmao tori and marco are right. i've eaten more here though, so i guess thats chill. i was really happy today. we made today "christas eve" because we all just got here and nothing was ready. it was really fun! we baked and did all sorts of xmas things, like decorating the tree[-= i dropped the lights on the ground, lol i still have bad balance here[[[: today everyone was talking about the "christmas eve present" thats given every year. i kept wondring what it was and then Laura called and told me. it was pajamas. i'd wondered why i had always gotten pajamas every year. now i know and it's really sweet.
i miss all my friends from home. <333

early risers

I woke up at 7am today. I am being totally serious. It scared me, but it was pretty chill. I have actually been eating due to the fact that my parents bought something I would eat. They forgot pop-tarts though which is unhealthy for me, it's the thing I eat for lunch every day and now I am not at school so I can't purchase one, and there are non at home. My neighbors don't eat them either so I can't just go over and eat some. Very disappointing. On the bright side I'm going ice skating today! I'm meeting Marco at the mall at 12 and we're going to the ice skating rink at 2 when the session starts. I actually have money because I shoveled 6 tons of snow both today and yesterday. Our back deck with the hot tub on it is completely frozen. I think today is going to be a good day. It's my last day in Providence, and I hope it makes me want to come back after vacation is over. Last night was kind of rough though. Marco, Gabby and I had gone to the mall with Tori earlier and she told us about how she wasn't talking to Sam, and how him and his girlfriend Lauren were mad at her for not talking to him. Marco was already mad at Sam, so he asked Sam why he was mad at Tori and why Lauren was mad at her. We were basically a day behind on information, so we got mad at him and called him a liar because of that. I had been calling Tori all day but she wasn't picking up her phone, so she called at 11 and told me what had happened. People need to start calling me back or telling me when situations change.

the mall., again[: then my mood gets spoiled.

i went to the mall yesterday with Gabby, Marco, and Tori. it was super amazingg! we went xmas shopping for tori and gabby, and i still need to but my parents hate my best friends and won't give me money so now i feel like a total bitch asking Suzy for money bc it's just rude that i see her for the first time in a long time and i need money. i need over 100$ to bc i spend over 20 per person.  i already have some of the money for Shelby's gift since i'm ordering it online, but i don't have enough on my amazon gift card to get the whole thing for her with shipping and tax! so i need to ask my parents to lend me some money for that. i hate asking people for money. the mall was really fun yesterday though, i missed gabby! haha sincerely. (←←inside jokee i guesss) we had so much fun! we stalked a guy with amazing hair all the way to hot topic, and then we spent forever in there looking at stuff. Gabby bought Taty her xmas gift, its really cute! We went to delia's and tons of other stores, before we met up with gabby and tori marco and i saw Frenche and exchanged hugs. I told marco about our uncle charlie which was pretty fly. I had to go to act after, but i went to wallmart with tori lee first, bc her mother was dropping me off. My mother refuses to drive me anywhere even if i have to take a bus with a bunch of creepers. tracy just left to go grocery shopping and refused to wait for me to write things down so now we have to go again bc she's acting like such an impatient bitch she can't even fucking wait for me. so now i have to keep walking to dunkin donuts to get my iced coffee or take the bus of course. mr. creeper on crack hasn't seen me in awhile, i walked longer last time to avoid seeing people from the ghetto. i hate my parents, my house, food, tv, buses, sooo many things that just wont fucking go away.

this made me think.

I confe​ss that in 2008 I...
(X) staye​d singl​e for the whole​ year
() kisse​d in the snow
(x) celeb​rated​ Hallo​ween
() had your heart​ broke​n
(X) moone​d someo​ne
(x) went over the minut​es on your cell phone​
() someo​ne quest​ioned​ your sexua​l orien​tatio​n
() came out of the close​t
() gotte​n pregn​ant
() had an abort​ion
(x) done somet​hing you'​ve regre​tted

OTHER​
() paint​ed a pictu​re
(x) wrote​ a poem
() ran 3 miles​
() shopp​ed at Holli​ster or Aberc​rombi​e and Fitch​
(X) poste​d a blog on MySpa​ce
(X) visit​ed a forei​gn count​ry
(x) cut in a line of waiti​ng peopl​e
(x) told someo​ne you were busy when you weren​'​t
() parti​ed to celeb​rate the new year
(x) cooke​d a disas​trous​ meal
() lied about​ how old you were
() prank​ calle​d someo​ne

In 2008 I...
[x] broke​ a promi​se
[x] lied
[] cried​ over a break​ up
[x] disap​point​ed someo​ne close​
[] hid a secre​t
[XXXXX] prete​nded to be happy​
[X] slept​ under​ the stars​
[] kept your new years​ resol​ution​
[x] forgo​t your new years​ resol​ution​
[]​ met someo​ne who chang​ed your life
[] met one of your idols​
[x] chang​ed your outlo​ok on life
[] sat home all day doing​ nothi​ng
[] prete​nded to be sick
[X] left the count​ry
[X] almos​t died
[xXX] given​ up on somet​hing/​someo​ne impor​tant to you
[] lost somet​hing expen​sive
[x] learn​ed somet​hing new about​ yours​elf
[x] tried​ somet​hing you norma​lly would​n'​t try and liked​ it
[x] made a chang​e in your life
[​XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]​​​ found​ out who your true frien​ds were
[X] ​​​​ met great​ peopl​e
[x] staye​d up til sunri​se
[x] cried​ over the silli​est thing​
[​xXX​]​​​ had frien​ds who were drift​ing away from you
[xXXXXX]​ had a high cell phone​ bill
[] spent​ most of your money​ on food
[] had a fist fight​
[] went to the beach​ with your best frien​d
[x]​ gotte​n sick
[] liked​ more than 5 peopl​e at the same time
[XXx] becam​e close​r with a lot of peopl​e

this really made me think about 2008 and all the things i've lost.
more importantly this has made me think about 2008 and all of the things i've gained.
this has been both the best and worst year of my life so far.

well goodnight.