Christmas Presents.,!

I still need to buy mine. Lol, I have to buy like 6. I think I might just buy them in Cali, since I'll be there for Christmas and we're doing some shopping when I get there. Marco says he bought mine today. Lol I can't remember what he said he'd buy me if he said anything, he was all "you dont think anyone else is gonna buy that for you right?" and i was like "sureeeee..." but I don't know what he got me, lol. I hope no one else buys me the same thing though!

cute[=

Death Cab Isn't EMO!!!

I took a likeness thing yesterday and it said that I should chill with emo kiddies and listen to death cab. I listen to death cab but they're not emo!!! it really destressed me, I was really sad all day bc im grounded but i still really miss shelby and taty and gabby and marco somuch. i cried. don't i do that alot? yea. but thats chill. i miss you sweeties. im all alone. pretty scared. really hyper. had lots of iced coffee today. lol posted a pretty fly video on caroline's wall. i got some pretty sweet pic's on mine. improved my mood. still sad. imissyouguys.

WTF???

i hate it all im just done with all this crap, they're all going but fucking me bc my mother hates my friends and will look for any excuse for me not to see them i cannot handle this. i love them. i miss them. i can't do it alone and shes not a help. and i wouldnt mind if one of them was a help but they hate them too much and they dont understand that i need them right now and that they're killing me taking them away from me. i hate my life. it should go and die in a hole.

this picture made me laugh byetheway.

i love these toes! they're so cute! and animated! and look like they're having so much fun! im jelly of those toes.

chat. this morning sucked.

ms1rian0: my history teacher made me laugh today. she was talking about slave trade and some how we got to her going "no one in todays society actually say "i hung out with my asian friend yesterday" and i was like laughing, bc i think me or someone said that about sam bc we do that alot. lol.

biznitch1832: Auto-reply: going to sleep
ms1rian0: at 9:30?
biznitch1832: uhm yes
ms1rian0: mkay
biznitch1832: whats the exact time right now
ms1rian0: my sleep pattern is more unhealthy than i realized. 9:33:07

yea. this morning sucked. but thanks hayley. and alana. you made it better i guess if it can get better. you guys are amazing, ly so much. thanks. i hate my life i want it to die. 

if someone hates your friends, then do they hate you too? because i know it's easier for me to hate people who hate my friends.

Still Down.

So then I went to school today and I was really tired, really confused, really contrite, and extra tired. I came in in the morning, and Hayley and Diondra were really nice and gave me hugs. They are so sweet. I got like, 3 hours of sleep last night. It was not good. I cried before homeroom. And then I went to lunch and Hayley was like, "You're face is all red." and like then I realized what must be happening and I was like "O crap." and she was like, "You're forehead's really hot, you have a fever."

Of course I do.

Then I was sure what was going on and I'm wondering how long this is going to last. Last time it was a week. I can't walk around with a fake fever for over a week. I call it a fake fever because it's not really a fever. This happens when my best friends get mad at me or I think they're mad at me. My body gets sick. Great. So Now I have to deal with that too. I called Tori. Love that girl. I love them all. So much.

I Was Wrong.

I was being over dramatic. Yea, I was. Great. I feel like crap now. I messed up. Fuck. This really sucks. I hope I still have best friends. I'm going to call Tori Lee tomorrow and talk to her. I need to talk to someone and she'll get it. My mother just walked in. She couldn't get to sleep because she was so something I can't remember. She asked me why I was so rude to her. I didn't answer because I didn't want to tell her why. She stalked off, "I don't have to take this shit." My family is so loving, isn't it? Not that part. I hate it when I don't think. I feel terrible now. I think I felt betrayed too. Not sure why. Kind of have an idea though. My head hurts. I feel nauseous, and guilty. I think I was taking out past anger...? But I never thought I had any past anger... weird. I still don't think I do, but I am beginning to have my doubts. I hate the label "drama queen," it ruins my life the times that it's true. I'm going to stop over analyzing my life now and finish my homework, I'll talk to Tori tomorrow.

I am Confused. Should I be?

I think I get why I was originally such a bitch about that! End of sixth grade. Look it up, it sucked. I think I get paranoia now when people ask me if I like them over the computer. Last time I lost a friend. That plus my new found insecurity is not a good combination. If wasn't so gosh-damn insecure would I still be so mad? Why should I be mad? I treat all of my friends the same, is that a mistake? Is that why I'm mad because sometimes people don't get that? Yea, I say nice stuff about people when they're not there, but I say bad stuff too. I just don't understand (either than the previous bit) why I am so bothered. Abbey, Hayley, and Rachel made the best video the other day, it's the best YouTube video I've ever seen! I was laughing forever. It made me sad too, which is stupid of me. I loved it so much, those girls are fabulous. Alana was so sweet today, I've been a bitch to her lately I suppose because I've been so out of it. Sometimes I got worried about her though, but I didn't tell her that and that's bitchy of me. She and Steph are real sweeties, I don't really deserve them right now I don't think. But I love them anyways. (friends, god it's so fucking stupid that I have to point that out to people when I'm talking about my friends) I had a hazelnut iced coffee today for breakfast. It was amazing, I loved it so much, it made my morning so much more positive. Steph came back today which was pretty awesome. I talked to Jessica at lunch, I love her she's always so happy and nice. I had to go to act today which is sad because I hate Tiny Torture (Tim) and I wish it would end. Alana was also really nice in a way I honestly didn't expect today (I never expect anyone to be nice anymore I guess) and it made me feel better. I'm not okay and I'm horridly confused, but she made me smile (Along with Hayley, Abbey, and Rachel) which was a great thing. I keep saying today but I mean yesterday, because it is Tuesday now and I'm still talking about Monday and I haven't finished any of Monday's Homework, but thats okay I guess. I feel so sorry. I am so sorry. People get pissed when I say sorry now though so I don't know what to say.

I'm So Stupid? Insecure? Confused?

That was stupid of me. Every one gets into fights. I can be a bitch. I'm so insecure. I've been saying that for a long time. But now I know that It's true. Maybe insecurity is the whole reason for all of my shit. Maybe I'm the reason for all of the crap that a cause. I guess I am melodramatic. I don't act like that. I don't care what you say. I act like that to everyone. Just not to people that I know aren't comfortable with it. I can be so stupid. I remember when I used to lie to myself to make things seem true in 6th grade. I don't lie to myself anymore, I'm just blinded by something I can't see. I miss what I never lost, I've lost what I never missed. I'll come in late when I need to be here, I'll bring a bit of there over here. I miss being small. I was so cute. I didn't understand how messed up other peoples lives can get. My life isn't that bad, that's what people say. I'm cold. I love so many people right now. Friendship. I guess I'd better make that clearer now? I wasn't trying to be confusing or misleading. Not at all. Because that's not it. Not at all. I've said it before and I just said it a bit ago. It's getting old. I have homework to do. I might not do it. I'm so confused. Deeply. I need to go somewhere. I don't think I'm mad at anyone. But myself. Yes and maybe someone else. But I'm not sure. I definitely don't have any reason to be mad at anyone but myself. Do I? I do stupid things. That's clear. Like Windex shine. Yea, it's clear. But then, why is it me? I feel like I'm loosing everything. Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm just "way to fucking paranoid and insecure and my sucking friends love me," and I'm being "stupid and mean for not believing them," but what if he is wrong. I'm not sure what I would do. I have other people who love me. He's one of them. It's just not the same. There's a difference. I don't know how much I would loose for them, but I know I would loose way more than for what I should loose for. But the others that wait and still love me, even when I don't care, and I don't tell them what's gone horribly horribly wrong, and they still love me anyway, are those my real friends? Or is it the ones that I love the most, even if they would hate me? Is it the ones who love me anyway, or the ones that I love the most? But I'm not giving them enough credit. Because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here to listen to my old friends, my new friends, those other friends tell me that friends get into fights and that they love me and that they love me too? Even thought they realize that I don't love them as much as I should? Could they help me too? Or is it just them? Because I choose them or because I need them? Because I've chosen them and now I need them? But we all chose each other didn't we? Or am I just as stupid as I think I am and I really was better off without best friends or any of that, and just myself and my friends, not telling anyone anything? It seemed to be better then, but I never loved those friends that I never told anything to as much. What if I had? Would I love them as much as I love them? Would everything be the same or different? I know who I love now, and I know who I love more. Let me point out friendship again. I can't seem to get that point far enough across these days. I feel more alone than ever. I need a hug. I don't want one. I want a hug. No I don't. I'm a mess. I don't want to be. It's rude of me to keep saying that over and over again. Maybe that's what's keeping me this way, me saying I'm this way. But when I said everything was fine, was anything any better? Everything seemed so nice this morning, like it was getting better at last. But now it doesn't look okay. But I can't tell if it's okay or not. I'm not thinking. I'm not calm. I wish I was. But I can't seem to figure anything out. I'm cold.

I'm an Insecure, Stupid, Brat. Oh yea, and Did You Hear? I'm Mental.

I hate my life.

I don't know what's going on anymore.

I think I miss not having best friends.

Maybe I just shouldn't talk to people,

Maybe I should just be a hermit,

Maybe I should just go by myself and cry in a ditch and not tell anyone,

Because apparently when you tell "best friends" everything about you,

they think you love them in a different way than you do.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything.

Maybe it's not worth it.

Maybe they're not worth it.

If they're not worth it then certainly nothing's worth it.

Those 6 have been my reason for 4 months now.

They're gone?

I don't know.

But what if they are?

It's been too many times.

Some times people just don't get up from hard falls.

Yes, I love all the rest,

but not as much or nearly enough.

What is wrong with me.

Maybe I do need to see someone?

But if I was being lied to the whole time than maybe that means I'm being annoying.

Who knows?

I don't know anything anymore.