I'm So Stupid? Insecure? Confused?

That was stupid of me. Every one gets into fights. I can be a bitch. I'm so insecure. I've been saying that for a long time. But now I know that It's true. Maybe insecurity is the whole reason for all of my shit. Maybe I'm the reason for all of the crap that a cause. I guess I am melodramatic. I don't act like that. I don't care what you say. I act like that to everyone. Just not to people that I know aren't comfortable with it. I can be so stupid. I remember when I used to lie to myself to make things seem true in 6th grade. I don't lie to myself anymore, I'm just blinded by something I can't see. I miss what I never lost, I've lost what I never missed. I'll come in late when I need to be here, I'll bring a bit of there over here. I miss being small. I was so cute. I didn't understand how messed up other peoples lives can get. My life isn't that bad, that's what people say. I'm cold. I love so many people right now. Friendship. I guess I'd better make that clearer now? I wasn't trying to be confusing or misleading. Not at all. Because that's not it. Not at all. I've said it before and I just said it a bit ago. It's getting old. I have homework to do. I might not do it. I'm so confused. Deeply. I need to go somewhere. I don't think I'm mad at anyone. But myself. Yes and maybe someone else. But I'm not sure. I definitely don't have any reason to be mad at anyone but myself. Do I? I do stupid things. That's clear. Like Windex shine. Yea, it's clear. But then, why is it me? I feel like I'm loosing everything. Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm just "way to fucking paranoid and insecure and my sucking friends love me," and I'm being "stupid and mean for not believing them," but what if he is wrong. I'm not sure what I would do. I have other people who love me. He's one of them. It's just not the same. There's a difference. I don't know how much I would loose for them, but I know I would loose way more than for what I should loose for. But the others that wait and still love me, even when I don't care, and I don't tell them what's gone horribly horribly wrong, and they still love me anyway, are those my real friends? Or is it the ones that I love the most, even if they would hate me? Is it the ones who love me anyway, or the ones that I love the most? But I'm not giving them enough credit. Because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here to listen to my old friends, my new friends, those other friends tell me that friends get into fights and that they love me and that they love me too? Even thought they realize that I don't love them as much as I should? Could they help me too? Or is it just them? Because I choose them or because I need them? Because I've chosen them and now I need them? But we all chose each other didn't we? Or am I just as stupid as I think I am and I really was better off without best friends or any of that, and just myself and my friends, not telling anyone anything? It seemed to be better then, but I never loved those friends that I never told anything to as much. What if I had? Would I love them as much as I love them? Would everything be the same or different? I know who I love now, and I know who I love more. Let me point out friendship again. I can't seem to get that point far enough across these days. I feel more alone than ever. I need a hug. I don't want one. I want a hug. No I don't. I'm a mess. I don't want to be. It's rude of me to keep saying that over and over again. Maybe that's what's keeping me this way, me saying I'm this way. But when I said everything was fine, was anything any better? Everything seemed so nice this morning, like it was getting better at last. But now it doesn't look okay. But I can't tell if it's okay or not. I'm not thinking. I'm not calm. I wish I was. But I can't seem to figure anything out. I'm cold.