insecurity.

it even gets to me here. even worse because i can't see them. all of the questions running through my head,
"would i be invited if i was at home?"
"will thins be the same when i get back?"
"do they miss me or are they just saying that?"
"when they don't reply are they mad or not home?"
each question longer than the next, i thought i was getting over all of my insecurities and self doubt. i was wrong and without those people it's slowly eating me up. Everything is confusing me. Even the television blaring in front of me is perplexing and terrifying for a reason i can't explain. i never want to leave but i need to get back.
"what if i come back and i'm not as good a friend as i was before?"
it's horrible being insecure. but even worse knowing it and not being able to stop it.

arrived.MERRYXMAS

my leaing home was just as great as my being home. according to my bitch of a mother im a bitch who doesn't care about others and i'm condecending too., oh yes and she told me never to come back. i hate that. she's evil. i am so mad at alice rayner too. she told my mother that gabby and marco were "mean people" i mean, wtf? they're both very nice, gabby esp. she's like one of the nicest people i've ever met! just bc she's not friends with them she thinks they're "mean"? it's so silly. and low.
i've had a great time in california so far though[: its so pretty here, cold though.../:but its still so much warmer. i've had poptarts for breakfast every morning. i have horrible eating habbits, lmao tori and marco are right. i've eaten more here though, so i guess thats chill. i was really happy today. we made today "christas eve" because we all just got here and nothing was ready. it was really fun! we baked and did all sorts of xmas things, like decorating the tree[-= i dropped the lights on the ground, lol i still have bad balance here[[[: today everyone was talking about the "christmas eve present" thats given every year. i kept wondring what it was and then Laura called and told me. it was pajamas. i'd wondered why i had always gotten pajamas every year. now i know and it's really sweet.
i miss all my friends from home. <333

early risers

I woke up at 7am today. I am being totally serious. It scared me, but it was pretty chill. I have actually been eating due to the fact that my parents bought something I would eat. They forgot pop-tarts though which is unhealthy for me, it's the thing I eat for lunch every day and now I am not at school so I can't purchase one, and there are non at home. My neighbors don't eat them either so I can't just go over and eat some. Very disappointing. On the bright side I'm going ice skating today! I'm meeting Marco at the mall at 12 and we're going to the ice skating rink at 2 when the session starts. I actually have money because I shoveled 6 tons of snow both today and yesterday. Our back deck with the hot tub on it is completely frozen. I think today is going to be a good day. It's my last day in Providence, and I hope it makes me want to come back after vacation is over. Last night was kind of rough though. Marco, Gabby and I had gone to the mall with Tori earlier and she told us about how she wasn't talking to Sam, and how him and his girlfriend Lauren were mad at her for not talking to him. Marco was already mad at Sam, so he asked Sam why he was mad at Tori and why Lauren was mad at her. We were basically a day behind on information, so we got mad at him and called him a liar because of that. I had been calling Tori all day but she wasn't picking up her phone, so she called at 11 and told me what had happened. People need to start calling me back or telling me when situations change.

the mall., again[: then my mood gets spoiled.

i went to the mall yesterday with Gabby, Marco, and Tori. it was super amazingg! we went xmas shopping for tori and gabby, and i still need to but my parents hate my best friends and won't give me money so now i feel like a total bitch asking Suzy for money bc it's just rude that i see her for the first time in a long time and i need money. i need over 100$ to bc i spend over 20 per person.  i already have some of the money for Shelby's gift since i'm ordering it online, but i don't have enough on my amazon gift card to get the whole thing for her with shipping and tax! so i need to ask my parents to lend me some money for that. i hate asking people for money. the mall was really fun yesterday though, i missed gabby! haha sincerely. (←←inside jokee i guesss) we had so much fun! we stalked a guy with amazing hair all the way to hot topic, and then we spent forever in there looking at stuff. Gabby bought Taty her xmas gift, its really cute! We went to delia's and tons of other stores, before we met up with gabby and tori marco and i saw Frenche and exchanged hugs. I told marco about our uncle charlie which was pretty fly. I had to go to act after, but i went to wallmart with tori lee first, bc her mother was dropping me off. My mother refuses to drive me anywhere even if i have to take a bus with a bunch of creepers. tracy just left to go grocery shopping and refused to wait for me to write things down so now we have to go again bc she's acting like such an impatient bitch she can't even fucking wait for me. so now i have to keep walking to dunkin donuts to get my iced coffee or take the bus of course. mr. creeper on crack hasn't seen me in awhile, i walked longer last time to avoid seeing people from the ghetto. i hate my parents, my house, food, tv, buses, sooo many things that just wont fucking go away.

this made me think.

I confe​ss that in 2008 I...
(X) staye​d singl​e for the whole​ year
() kisse​d in the snow
(x) celeb​rated​ Hallo​ween
() had your heart​ broke​n
(X) moone​d someo​ne
(x) went over the minut​es on your cell phone​
() someo​ne quest​ioned​ your sexua​l orien​tatio​n
() came out of the close​t
() gotte​n pregn​ant
() had an abort​ion
(x) done somet​hing you'​ve regre​tted

OTHER​
() paint​ed a pictu​re
(x) wrote​ a poem
() ran 3 miles​
() shopp​ed at Holli​ster or Aberc​rombi​e and Fitch​
(X) poste​d a blog on MySpa​ce
(X) visit​ed a forei​gn count​ry
(x) cut in a line of waiti​ng peopl​e
(x) told someo​ne you were busy when you weren​'​t
() parti​ed to celeb​rate the new year
(x) cooke​d a disas​trous​ meal
() lied about​ how old you were
() prank​ calle​d someo​ne

In 2008 I...
[x] broke​ a promi​se
[x] lied
[] cried​ over a break​ up
[x] disap​point​ed someo​ne close​
[] hid a secre​t
[XXXXX] prete​nded to be happy​
[X] slept​ under​ the stars​
[] kept your new years​ resol​ution​
[x] forgo​t your new years​ resol​ution​
[]​ met someo​ne who chang​ed your life
[] met one of your idols​
[x] chang​ed your outlo​ok on life
[] sat home all day doing​ nothi​ng
[] prete​nded to be sick
[X] left the count​ry
[X] almos​t died
[xXX] given​ up on somet​hing/​someo​ne impor​tant to you
[] lost somet​hing expen​sive
[x] learn​ed somet​hing new about​ yours​elf
[x] tried​ somet​hing you norma​lly would​n'​t try and liked​ it
[x] made a chang​e in your life
[​XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]​​​ found​ out who your true frien​ds were
[X] ​​​​ met great​ peopl​e
[x] staye​d up til sunri​se
[x] cried​ over the silli​est thing​
[​xXX​]​​​ had frien​ds who were drift​ing away from you
[xXXXXX]​ had a high cell phone​ bill
[] spent​ most of your money​ on food
[] had a fist fight​
[] went to the beach​ with your best frien​d
[x]​ gotte​n sick
[] liked​ more than 5 peopl​e at the same time
[XXx] becam​e close​r with a lot of peopl​e

this really made me think about 2008 and all the things i've lost.
more importantly this has made me think about 2008 and all of the things i've gained.
this has been both the best and worst year of my life so far.

well goodnight.

snow day!

School is canceled for today, they told us over the loud speaker after the Science Exam was done. It wasn't too hard, we had been studying all morning since we didn't have to do anything for period 5. It was Alana Davis's birthday today, super fun and amazing, there was cake and tons of balloons. Due to staying up really late finishing my essays for Science (the ones that I almost didn't turn in because I couldn't figure out how to print them at the school library) and social networking sites (damn it they're so addictive). I wish we got to use the first half of the day as free time all the time, that would be very nice, but alas no. When we go back on January 5th we have exams and a normal schedule. I got iced coffee this morning instead of taking the bus (iced coffee=more important) I got a large and downed it in under 20 minutes. Hazelnut iced coffee is by far the best drink I've ever had in my life. I have it a lot. Love that stuff. I slept a little on top of my science notes this morning, but that's all cool since I've only gotten 3hrs of sleep. Alana Richelle came down while we were talking about "uncle charlie" and got a cookie to eat. Poor Alana Richelle, she hadn't had anything to eat all day and she was stuck sitting in History being hungry. She had her cookie and went back upstairs. We continued on about "uncle charlie," who is inevitably our "uncle," invented by Frenche and me with the help of my science notes and Frenche's (no, was it Mariana's?) Science textbook. Our uncle Charlie was gay when he lived in NE, but then the pressure got to him and he had to move down to Florida, where the temperature is hotter. He got fat because he did not exercise well in the heat. He then went straight because no gay guys like fat guys. And now Uncle Charlie is proportionate to Frenche's aunt. I was thinking about that during the exam, it was helpful, but I really wanted to laugh. After the exam when the canceling of school today was announced there was much rejoicing and many hugs exchanged. Possibly the best school day I've ever had at Bay View, even with the science exam. I went to get on the bus and I was really frustrated because the day before "Dona" the bus driver told me that the bus left at 1:40, so I went out to get on the bus at 1:35 and the Providence bus had already left. I had decided I was going to have a talk with her about lying, and I did. I called her a liar and she called me irresponsible, so I called her a bitch and she told me to pay more attention. I'm happy she knows where I stand on that issue. I got off at my bus stop and walked home, I got on aim and I video chatted with Alana Davis, Mariana, and Frenche. Then Marco signed on and we made plans to go to the mall, which we did. I took the bus, and luckily there were not so many creepy looking people this time. I got to the mall just in time to talk to Tatyana before she left. I miss that girl, I never get to see her anymore! I saw Katelyn too, I like her. All of Taty's friends are super fly. Marco came right after Taty left, and we went to Victoria's Secret (with a stop at the ebar along the way so he could get Chai and I could get yet another hazelnut iced coffee) so he could buy Katie a gift card. We went to Bath and Body Works after so he could find something else for Gabby. I need to do my Xmas shopping really soon. I haven't even started and Marco is all done! Then we were going to Boarders when we got pleasantly stopped by Stav, the lady that works at the Amika booth in the mall who asked me if I wanted to get my hair curled. I said "sure," and now my hair looks simply amazing. Marco, Stav, and I agree that I need one of the Amika Styling Tools for Christmas. We read books in Boarders for over and hour I think, Marco read a book about a guy who just got out of jail for substance abuse, liked porn, drank himself silly, and had a brother that wore girls skinny jeans. It sounded really good and what I read of it I liked, but I was not so fortunate. I decided to try "Chosen," which was so bad a started reading "TTYL," a book I've never had an interest in reading, and never will. They were both really bad. We both like books with sad endings and agree that Harry should have died at the end of his series. Finally someone who agrees with me. We called Tracy from the Boarders phone after unsuccessfully trying to use a pay phone. Tracy picked us up and dropped Marco off at home. We got home and I went on the computer and took pictures of myself, aimed Mariana, ate cookies, and checked my facebook numerous times. I made a video as well, but it's not very good. I should get to sleep now. Tracy is supposed to be waking up at 5:30, which is only an hour away.

uneasy whisperings of a broken soul

overwrought with a stressful feeling,

working its way into my hole being.

i need to study,

but for something more important than mere exams.

when i broke i was sure of one thing,

i trusted them,

and i tried not to cling.

who are they?

i now ask myself as i needlessly worry about the past and the future.

the present seems to be breaking the speed limit of my mind,

leaving me far behind to try to unscramble what embraces the deep caverns of my conflicting thoughts and past actions,

trying to plan for a future that has already happened,

forever dwelling on reactions i have seen,

feelings i have felt,

my whole world continuing with out pause to harden from its recent melt,

keeping past insecurities deep inside secret holes that fester up at the slightest hint of an undecided summoning from the people that i love the most.

the usual pleasures turning into a safety measure,

missing the activities that were once enjoyable,

watching them to turn into everything else,

just horrible.

things that once calmed only stir,

things that once were loved now revered as a symbol of loss,

all changing to fast to notice until i go to step on a floor that was once there,

only to find that it has disappeared.

needing them to help me discover the past and put together the future

all the while worrying about them,

wondering if they need me to lend a hand.

Owl City.,!

I'm listening to them him right now as I write my history essay.Finally. It's about time I get to it.It's actually starting to interest me,Cortéz was a bitch-whole.So were a bunch of other big crap-heads who killed people for gold in the 1500s.Like the pilgrims.I've always hated them.They stole food and tons of other shit and some how we like worship them one day a year?They fucking killed tons of Native Americans just with their germs.Then they went all war on them when they wouldn't give up their land. It pisses me off.They should all go die in a hole.They probably are,dead in a hole.Well then I hope no one finds them, because they were really asses.I love it when I actually learn things that are of no great importance in real life but greatly entertain me anyway.That makes them of great importance in my life.

Exam Drama

I wish I felt as happy as that dog. He looks so peaceful and happy, like he has no worries or problems, I miss that. I want that back.

I feel like everyone should be mad at me, even though not everyone is. I keep thinking I should be mad at people, and I am, for about a 1/2hr. but that's nothing, and I don't know how to decode everything that's going on. There's so much drama, everywhere. It's all around me. It frightens me. I don't understand some people right now, but I kind of miss them. But not enough to want them back right now. I can't really emotionally handle all of this right now. It will be good for me to get a break and go to California for a while. I just need to breathe and think things over. Everyone is all divided at school and I just don't know what to do. I know what I think is right, but I understand what other people are thinking like Steph. I just don't know. I feel like they should all be mad at me and it's making me panic. I feel like everyone is going to turn on me at the same moment and I'm going to be left with no friends. My worst fear is loosing the people I love the most. I couldn't stand that. I would die. I would be dead without them. If they hated me I would still love them. It's all so troubling. I'm working on putting the pieces of myself back together, and they've helped. School is just killing me right now. Like I know who I believe is right, but I feel bad for the people I think are wrong at the same time. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I feel like I'm going to and it's scary. I want to skip exams tomorrow. I feel sick. I'm nervous. I feel like people are mad at me because of the tiniest things. It all makes no sense and I'm trying to stop it but it feels like I can't. I just need to figure everything out.

Colette is sosmart!

It thought this was interesting

Look at the 1st girl and 1st guy on ur “top”​ then fill this out; don’t​ chang​e it.

——–HE​R———

1) Who is she?
Tatyana L
2) Do you trust​ her?
Yes!

3) When’​s the last time you talke​d to her?
earlier today[=

4) does she have a boyfr​iend?​​​​​​​​​​​
Nope.​


5) Is she one of your frien​ds?​​​​​​​​​
ofcourse!


6) Is she older​ than you?
yes,.

7) Are you relat​ed to her?
no.

8) Would​ you do anyth​ing for her?
yes.



——–HI​M———

1)​​Who is he?
MarcoL



2) When’​s the last time you talke​d to him?
5 minutes ago

3) Do you know his middl​e name?​​​​​​​
nicola


4) Does he have a girlf​riend​?​​​​​​​​​​​
i don't think sooo

5) Is he one of your frien​ds?​​​​​​​​​​​
ofcourse!

6)​​​​​Where​ does he live?​​​​​​​​​​​
Providence, i won't give out the address[=

7)Is he older​ than you?
yes, 7 months[=

8) Would​ you do anyth​ing for him?
haha, yesss...

but sometimes i can't tell whether he's joking er not... so like,

yea its still yes


9) Do you have a nickn​ame for him?
lol, no

10) How long have you known​ him?
since we were 6

mkay. yea. we're pretty chill[= i love those chick-a-dees. i miss them too.

Taking A Page From Dr. Pham's Book

me going all "dr.phessy" on Steph:

coffees4closers: right now
coffees4closers: its almost like
coffees4closers: sides
coffees4closers: like
coffees4closers: either you hate her or you love her
coffees4closers: me and diondras and abbeys side or caroline and alanas
coffees4closers: im not asking you to chose
coffees4closers: but
coffees4closers: you just have to know that
ms1rian0: i dont believe in taking sides.
c0ffees4cl0sers: we're not the best of friends
coffees4closers: i know
coffees4closers: me neither
coffees4closers: but
ms1rian0: i know ur not
coffees4closers: yeah
coffees4closers: errightty so i should go
ms1rian0: wait
ms1rian0: im in the middle of something chill
ms1rian0: poetic
ms1rian0: lol
ms1rian0: i think that everyone has to learn to forgive even if you cant forget. even if you don't like her that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a second chance. there is no such thing as sides until someone creates them. by saying there are sides you are making them. ily but thats a mistake that could loose friends for anyone, wheather its you, alana, abbey, or caroline. abbey's already lost a friend bc of her unwillingness to forget and accept. alana forgave me for being a depressing emo bitch. i forgave caroline for being mean to marco. hopefully you forgave me for not worrying about you as much as i should. but you can't hold grudges. it makes you loose the people you love. you never notice who you love the most until they're almost out of your life. you can change the fact that you're close to loosing someone. but you dont have to be that close. dont let yourself loose friends just because of old events. youre not going to loose me or diondra i know, but you might loose other people that mean alot to you. even if you're not sorry apoligize. even if your not ready, forgive. even if you don't care, make yourself care. friends are not worth loosing. sometimes you can't get them back. don't wait for them. take the first step, your friends are your responsibility, so you have to bring yourself to do something about loosing them, because one day you might not be able to live without them.
ms1rian0: its always your choice on wheather or not you loose a friend.
ms1rian0: mkay
ms1rian0: im done being all analytical now

so listen,

my life may be an open book,

but I don't know about Steph,

so give her a break and don't bother anyone but me about this ok?

Or don't bother anyone at all.

I'm not mad at anyone.

Just so everyone knows.

I didn't edit.

It's really late... or early?

GOODMORNINGGG/NIGHTTTTTT!!!!





yea... i need some sleep[=

Christmas Presents.,!

I still need to buy mine. Lol, I have to buy like 6. I think I might just buy them in Cali, since I'll be there for Christmas and we're doing some shopping when I get there. Marco says he bought mine today. Lol I can't remember what he said he'd buy me if he said anything, he was all "you dont think anyone else is gonna buy that for you right?" and i was like "sureeeee..." but I don't know what he got me, lol. I hope no one else buys me the same thing though!

cute[=

Death Cab Isn't EMO!!!

I took a likeness thing yesterday and it said that I should chill with emo kiddies and listen to death cab. I listen to death cab but they're not emo!!! it really destressed me, I was really sad all day bc im grounded but i still really miss shelby and taty and gabby and marco somuch. i cried. don't i do that alot? yea. but thats chill. i miss you sweeties. im all alone. pretty scared. really hyper. had lots of iced coffee today. lol posted a pretty fly video on caroline's wall. i got some pretty sweet pic's on mine. improved my mood. still sad. imissyouguys.

WTF???

i hate it all im just done with all this crap, they're all going but fucking me bc my mother hates my friends and will look for any excuse for me not to see them i cannot handle this. i love them. i miss them. i can't do it alone and shes not a help. and i wouldnt mind if one of them was a help but they hate them too much and they dont understand that i need them right now and that they're killing me taking them away from me. i hate my life. it should go and die in a hole.

this picture made me laugh byetheway.

i love these toes! they're so cute! and animated! and look like they're having so much fun! im jelly of those toes.

chat. this morning sucked.

ms1rian0: my history teacher made me laugh today. she was talking about slave trade and some how we got to her going "no one in todays society actually say "i hung out with my asian friend yesterday" and i was like laughing, bc i think me or someone said that about sam bc we do that alot. lol.

biznitch1832: Auto-reply: going to sleep
ms1rian0: at 9:30?
biznitch1832: uhm yes
ms1rian0: mkay
biznitch1832: whats the exact time right now
ms1rian0: my sleep pattern is more unhealthy than i realized. 9:33:07

yea. this morning sucked. but thanks hayley. and alana. you made it better i guess if it can get better. you guys are amazing, ly so much. thanks. i hate my life i want it to die. 

if someone hates your friends, then do they hate you too? because i know it's easier for me to hate people who hate my friends.

Still Down.

So then I went to school today and I was really tired, really confused, really contrite, and extra tired. I came in in the morning, and Hayley and Diondra were really nice and gave me hugs. They are so sweet. I got like, 3 hours of sleep last night. It was not good. I cried before homeroom. And then I went to lunch and Hayley was like, "You're face is all red." and like then I realized what must be happening and I was like "O crap." and she was like, "You're forehead's really hot, you have a fever."

Of course I do.

Then I was sure what was going on and I'm wondering how long this is going to last. Last time it was a week. I can't walk around with a fake fever for over a week. I call it a fake fever because it's not really a fever. This happens when my best friends get mad at me or I think they're mad at me. My body gets sick. Great. So Now I have to deal with that too. I called Tori. Love that girl. I love them all. So much.

I Was Wrong.

I was being over dramatic. Yea, I was. Great. I feel like crap now. I messed up. Fuck. This really sucks. I hope I still have best friends. I'm going to call Tori Lee tomorrow and talk to her. I need to talk to someone and she'll get it. My mother just walked in. She couldn't get to sleep because she was so something I can't remember. She asked me why I was so rude to her. I didn't answer because I didn't want to tell her why. She stalked off, "I don't have to take this shit." My family is so loving, isn't it? Not that part. I hate it when I don't think. I feel terrible now. I think I felt betrayed too. Not sure why. Kind of have an idea though. My head hurts. I feel nauseous, and guilty. I think I was taking out past anger...? But I never thought I had any past anger... weird. I still don't think I do, but I am beginning to have my doubts. I hate the label "drama queen," it ruins my life the times that it's true. I'm going to stop over analyzing my life now and finish my homework, I'll talk to Tori tomorrow.

I am Confused. Should I be?

I think I get why I was originally such a bitch about that! End of sixth grade. Look it up, it sucked. I think I get paranoia now when people ask me if I like them over the computer. Last time I lost a friend. That plus my new found insecurity is not a good combination. If wasn't so gosh-damn insecure would I still be so mad? Why should I be mad? I treat all of my friends the same, is that a mistake? Is that why I'm mad because sometimes people don't get that? Yea, I say nice stuff about people when they're not there, but I say bad stuff too. I just don't understand (either than the previous bit) why I am so bothered. Abbey, Hayley, and Rachel made the best video the other day, it's the best YouTube video I've ever seen! I was laughing forever. It made me sad too, which is stupid of me. I loved it so much, those girls are fabulous. Alana was so sweet today, I've been a bitch to her lately I suppose because I've been so out of it. Sometimes I got worried about her though, but I didn't tell her that and that's bitchy of me. She and Steph are real sweeties, I don't really deserve them right now I don't think. But I love them anyways. (friends, god it's so fucking stupid that I have to point that out to people when I'm talking about my friends) I had a hazelnut iced coffee today for breakfast. It was amazing, I loved it so much, it made my morning so much more positive. Steph came back today which was pretty awesome. I talked to Jessica at lunch, I love her she's always so happy and nice. I had to go to act today which is sad because I hate Tiny Torture (Tim) and I wish it would end. Alana was also really nice in a way I honestly didn't expect today (I never expect anyone to be nice anymore I guess) and it made me feel better. I'm not okay and I'm horridly confused, but she made me smile (Along with Hayley, Abbey, and Rachel) which was a great thing. I keep saying today but I mean yesterday, because it is Tuesday now and I'm still talking about Monday and I haven't finished any of Monday's Homework, but thats okay I guess. I feel so sorry. I am so sorry. People get pissed when I say sorry now though so I don't know what to say.

I'm So Stupid? Insecure? Confused?

That was stupid of me. Every one gets into fights. I can be a bitch. I'm so insecure. I've been saying that for a long time. But now I know that It's true. Maybe insecurity is the whole reason for all of my shit. Maybe I'm the reason for all of the crap that a cause. I guess I am melodramatic. I don't act like that. I don't care what you say. I act like that to everyone. Just not to people that I know aren't comfortable with it. I can be so stupid. I remember when I used to lie to myself to make things seem true in 6th grade. I don't lie to myself anymore, I'm just blinded by something I can't see. I miss what I never lost, I've lost what I never missed. I'll come in late when I need to be here, I'll bring a bit of there over here. I miss being small. I was so cute. I didn't understand how messed up other peoples lives can get. My life isn't that bad, that's what people say. I'm cold. I love so many people right now. Friendship. I guess I'd better make that clearer now? I wasn't trying to be confusing or misleading. Not at all. Because that's not it. Not at all. I've said it before and I just said it a bit ago. It's getting old. I have homework to do. I might not do it. I'm so confused. Deeply. I need to go somewhere. I don't think I'm mad at anyone. But myself. Yes and maybe someone else. But I'm not sure. I definitely don't have any reason to be mad at anyone but myself. Do I? I do stupid things. That's clear. Like Windex shine. Yea, it's clear. But then, why is it me? I feel like I'm loosing everything. Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm just "way to fucking paranoid and insecure and my sucking friends love me," and I'm being "stupid and mean for not believing them," but what if he is wrong. I'm not sure what I would do. I have other people who love me. He's one of them. It's just not the same. There's a difference. I don't know how much I would loose for them, but I know I would loose way more than for what I should loose for. But the others that wait and still love me, even when I don't care, and I don't tell them what's gone horribly horribly wrong, and they still love me anyway, are those my real friends? Or is it the ones that I love the most, even if they would hate me? Is it the ones who love me anyway, or the ones that I love the most? But I'm not giving them enough credit. Because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here to listen to my old friends, my new friends, those other friends tell me that friends get into fights and that they love me and that they love me too? Even thought they realize that I don't love them as much as I should? Could they help me too? Or is it just them? Because I choose them or because I need them? Because I've chosen them and now I need them? But we all chose each other didn't we? Or am I just as stupid as I think I am and I really was better off without best friends or any of that, and just myself and my friends, not telling anyone anything? It seemed to be better then, but I never loved those friends that I never told anything to as much. What if I had? Would I love them as much as I love them? Would everything be the same or different? I know who I love now, and I know who I love more. Let me point out friendship again. I can't seem to get that point far enough across these days. I feel more alone than ever. I need a hug. I don't want one. I want a hug. No I don't. I'm a mess. I don't want to be. It's rude of me to keep saying that over and over again. Maybe that's what's keeping me this way, me saying I'm this way. But when I said everything was fine, was anything any better? Everything seemed so nice this morning, like it was getting better at last. But now it doesn't look okay. But I can't tell if it's okay or not. I'm not thinking. I'm not calm. I wish I was. But I can't seem to figure anything out. I'm cold.

I'm an Insecure, Stupid, Brat. Oh yea, and Did You Hear? I'm Mental.

I hate my life.

I don't know what's going on anymore.

I think I miss not having best friends.

Maybe I just shouldn't talk to people,

Maybe I should just be a hermit,

Maybe I should just go by myself and cry in a ditch and not tell anyone,

Because apparently when you tell "best friends" everything about you,

they think you love them in a different way than you do.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything.

Maybe it's not worth it.

Maybe they're not worth it.

If they're not worth it then certainly nothing's worth it.

Those 6 have been my reason for 4 months now.

They're gone?

I don't know.

But what if they are?

It's been too many times.

Some times people just don't get up from hard falls.

Yes, I love all the rest,

but not as much or nearly enough.

What is wrong with me.

Maybe I do need to see someone?

But if I was being lied to the whole time than maybe that means I'm being annoying.

Who knows?

I don't know anything anymore.

Uptown Get Around

Love that song, I put it on Taty's profile the other day.
STEREO SKYLINE!

We're so cute[=

I Love You

I really do.

Hmmmm...

I hope evreyones not mad at me.

I'm so tired.

I'd better this story over with soon.

I drank a large hazelnut iced coffee today in 5 minutes.

I still want another one.

I was so wrong.

I'm a bitch.

I'm a bitch to my friends.

I'm a bitch and I'm selfish.

I Love You.

I feel sick

I feel like people that I love are mad at me.

I truly hope they're not.

New and Improved.

It's going to get better.

It is.

I'll make it get better.

No more stupidity and not thinking and making people worry.

That's done.

done.

over.

gone.

never again.

NO.

MORE.

evil

I think almost everyone knows that I hate BVA by now?

Like, it's not hard to tell.

mmmmkkkkaaaayyyyyyyyyy.

So it seems that my mother (evil!) is still trying to put off applying to another school.

I have 3 days.

I need to go to that school.

I have to.

haha, where did this come from?

Hi Gabby.

heyheyhayyyyyyy☁☂

It's wet.

Really wet.

It's days like this when I really miss Suzy.

Wherever she is,

it's warm.

I talked to Steph today, but I missed her party because I didn't know where it was and my mother had me on lock down since I don't know where my piano books are.

I talked to Noah and Mattie on aim today.

They're so sweet.

My hair is all wet since I just took a shower, I should have taken one last night,

but I was at Gabby's house.

We had a superfun time.

We went on the computer and watched TV and me and Taty ate a whole pint of Chocolate ice cream[=

yummmmm...

Gabby had cake.

We had so much fun.

O yessss,

And I went to see 4 Christmas's for the seccond time with Gabby before we went to her house and Taty came over. It was good again,

I like that movie.

Then we got back and Marco aimed me and I got really worried.

But I talked to him today and he sounded okay,

so that's good.

I had a great thanksgiving weekend,

I wish it didn't have to end.

So I send my love to a giant crayon.

lol, I write fabu poems[=

I had fun, the weekend had a great start on Tuesday when I saw Twilight for a second time with Marco, then Wednesday me and Marco and Sam and Gabby went to the mall, which was pretty cool. We went into tons of stores. Thursday was thanksgiving. Ew. Friday me and Sam and Marco went and saw 4 Christmas's, which was good, then we hung out at the mall. Then Marco came over and we hung out and made a new youtube video.

Saturday was cool, I went to the movies with Gabby and saw 4 Xmas's, lol it was good again. Then Taty texted me and was like "I need something to do are you guys having a sleepover?" so we were like "...sure!" and Gabby called and me and Taty slept over. We woke up at 12, and then I had to leave really early, which was,

dissapointing.

But I had fun.

sleepover at gabby's

Gabby:

I really want to call this number.

Me:

Call it.

Gabby:

It's in NY.

Me:

Use your cell phone.

Tatyana:

Yeah, it's easy.

Gabby:

It's dead.

Tatyana:

Use Mine.

Me:

Use Taty's.

Gabby:

It's 3am.

Me:

Right.

I really do have the best friends in the world.

Sam was right.

I am loved.

BizNitch1832 (5:03:05 PM): i dont really care what you have to say

BizNitch1832 (5:03:10 PM): and chessy doesnt like you

BizNitch1832 (5:03:13 PM): so back off

BizNitch1832 (5:03:19 PM): cus chessy is my bestfriend

BizNitch1832 (5:03:24 PM): and alana is a bitch to her

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:03:29 PM): idfc about chessy

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:03:30 PM): shes ugly

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:03:32 PM): and fucking emo

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:03:37 PM): so juswt stfu

BizNitch1832 (5:03:56 PM): uhm actually chessy is very pretty and not eme...alana is a loser

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:03:57 PM): shes nice

BizNitch1832 (5:03:59 PM): byeeee

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:04:05 PM): toodlesss .

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:04:12 PM): ps. go fuck yoursel .

xx0xcarolineex3 (5:04:16 PM): yourself*

BizNitch1832 (5:04:20 PM): kk

I have the most amazing best friends ever.

the mall! new sweatshirts! twilight! home alone?

lovely.

Thank You

Thanks Because I have the best friends in the world.

Thanks Because they love me so much.

Thanks Because they're so sweet.

Thanks Because they love movies.

Thanks Because they care about me even when I act like a jerk or do stupid things.

Thanks Because they give me hope.

Thanks Because I'm still here and it's thanks to them.

I love you guys♥

Twilight Again To Kick Off The Long Weekend

Yay!

Twilight again with Marco,

Super flyyyyy,

Gonna see it at 6:30,

Ugh, mother's a bitch and hates my best friends.

If she doesn't like them then she doesn't like me.

haha.

as if that wasn't evident.

Remember the good days?

I miss them♥

IT'S OVER!

It's all finally over,

"These are tears of sadness, not joy"

Lol, I feel his joy.

So happy! Euphoria.

A bittersweet ending:

Wren said me and Marco are on probation and grilled me all by herself bc Marco's mother made him leave, the whole time my mother was like smiling (YES! She's in trouble!" Ugh, she's such a bitchhhhhh)

it sucks

My life sucks and I'm sitting here crying over something that I already know.

My parents are emotionally tramatizing me,

They think I'm having sex with one of my best friends,

They don't even realize how much they've been ruining my life,

or how much I've lost,

Or how much I cry,

or how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning and get up.

or how fucking hard it is to find the number of child services

because I haven't found it yet.

thanks alot google.

They don't realize how hard it is to say goodbye to my friends,

or how much I love them, so much.

it's all so frusterating and dooming altogether.

i hate school,

i hate them,

i hate it.

maybe that girl on the bus was right, maybe I am just a sadistic little emo girl, destined to always live in pain, never getting what she needs, her smiles surprising everyone, her happiness even more surprising.

TWILIGHT

WAS SO FUCKING AMAZING.

Lost Something

This Picture Is Filled With Love

●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●

I spent most of the night from 5pm on,

Crying.

I was at ACT too,

and I'm really sorry for everyone worrying and such.

Because I'm just surprised that they cared.

I'm even more surprised about who seemed not to care at all.

It hurt.

Very much.

There are certain people that I always think I can count on,

He was one of them.

Now I don't know,

and I believe he is still mad at me.

And I feel,

terrible.

It was really rude of me to go and cry in the middle of the last rehersal.

Kennedy lost someone very important to her today.

I wish her only the best.

It's horrible loosing someone.

I don't know what else I lost.

No matter what Tori says,

I still think he has a reason to be mad at me.

That's the problem,

I can't be mad at him,

only at me.

My mother doesn't understand,

Wren is a bitch,

I've always counted on her too,

I always respected her a bit I guess,

and I appreciated her,

and she was always nice to me,

until I failed her too.

That's the problem with her forcing me to do that show,

I can't succeed without determination.

And the only determination I have for that show is leaving it.

She guilted me into doing it,

and now she says she has no reason to.

My eyes are dry now.

They hurt.

Gabby made me the most fabulous waterbottle out of a Cocacola bottle today,

She's amazing.

☀☀☀

Annie is so nice,

she's one of the kindest people I've ever met in my life.

Shelby continued to make me laugh through tears,

she has real talent.

Tatyana is always so supportive.

Tori is always so sweet.

Marco is always so honest.

Sam is always really helpful [in a Dr. Phil sort of way]

I ♥ them all so much.

they're the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Give Kennedy a hug. She needs love right now.

We Have It So You Should Go Watch Us Flaunt It

Pretty Smexi Week

I went to the mall with SHELBYD on Monday and everyone thought we were ditching!

We had so much fun.

Between buying tweezers and hanging out in Brookstone,

It was a fabulous day we had.

We almost had to walk to ACT.

Gross. Lol, it would have taken forever,

but Hayley,

being amazing like she is,

answered her phone and picked us up at the mall!

Yay Hayley!

Rehersal was super fun, Marco went a tad bit psyco...

=/ but that's... normal I guess, lol.

Our runthroughs spazzed this week,

sometimes they'd be really good,

but sometimes

they'd totally sbv.

-LOL<3's>

Then we went to the mall again on Tuesday,

this time Taty and Marco came too,

Marco and Shelby picked me up, being amazing like they so obv. are[[[=

and we went to the mall for a second time!

SOMUCHFUN.

Taty came, Destinee came, we had an amazing time.

Wednesday I was back in school *yawn*

Thursday I slept in and then went to hang out with Brooke from Germany which was pretty fly,

 we went to BOARDERS and I watched tons of Twilight stuff on their dedicated flatscreen.

Twilight in 11 days!

I can't wait to go and see it with Shelby and Marco!

Saturday & Friday

Weird Weekend...

Marco & Chessy In The Insane Alsylum. Thanks for locking us in Tori Lee. JK

Zomg, school, how could it get any worse???

Steph is leaving, not to return for a month!

& I forgot to give her her hat back.

So I feel really bad.

She says since she forgot to give me my scarf back it's okay, but i don't think so...

But then my day got better when Tori came over, then it got EVEN better when Marco arrived.

They are two of my best friends and they're amazing.

I'll take a quote from Tatyana's myspace: "qood luck lookinq for friends, cuz the best ones are already takenn ; yepp, you're definitely jealous :p ."

And you are FER SUR mad jelly.

So Marco spent 6 hrs straight on my computer playing The Sims 2.

So me and Tori watched Bend it Like Beckham, and lol, now we can break down-

INDIAN STYLE!

Hell Yea It Was Awesome.

Then we went in the hot tub at like 2am, lol.

Tori totally spazzed over the CocaCola she wasn't supossed to be drinking,

and Marco and I couldn't stop laughing about something I said, but I can't remember what...

Neither can he.

We stayed up until four again, bad habits, tut tut!

We woke up at 9am, and I made waffles and me and Tori took showers (Marco took one Fri)

And then we went to ACT.

First Tech rehersal.

"Fun."

We DIED out there.

But I had fun onstage, Kennedy & Sam have the coolest bow!

They made it up themselves.

And I got a wig. I felt like such a tranny the whole day.

The hats I get r hot though. I like them.

COMICS MAKE ME HAPPY

ZOMG!

I found my favorite comic strip of all time!

It took me forever, but I've loved it so much!

the first 10 times I read it I went into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Yes...

GO-BAMA!!!

Barack Obama makes me grin

therefore he has to win,

before the night is finished

Mc Cain's hopes will be diminished.

tomorrow everyone has to go up to their friends and say "OH-MY-BAMA GUESS WHO WON?"

and do you know what everyones going to say?

"All Hallow's Eve"

And You Think YOUR halloween was scary?

We are some damn sexy bitches[=

I spent Halloween with some of the most AMAZING people in this universe:

Taty

Sam

Tori

Marco

And some of Taty's amazing friends, but they couldn't stay for the movie.

Taty and Tori and Sam and Marco slept over, it was super fun.

Marco also decided that I should wear my see-through black goth shirt and the REALLY slutty silver dress my parents bought me last Xmas that is still WAYYYY too low for me and it even SHORTER now than it was last year. So you can imagine I ended up looking like an unidentifiable slut more than a person from the 80s, but that's okay, cuz he FER SURE won best dressed out of all of us, even though Sam was some pretty heavy competition. Ghetto Butterfly is pretty original, but not as funny as Marco in drag is. Consistantly. 

When we got back we had soda,

Watched Sweeny Todd,

and played on the Sims2 untill 1:15,

+ I made us all hot coca

and then we went up to my room,

and we were up untill 4:00am.

Then my alarm went off at 7:30.

I shut it off.

Cuz I'm Nice Like That.

Then I made everyone waffles,

like a whole package of Eggo's, lol,

And I (being a fabu hostess) threw the waffles at them to wake them up.

We had a super fly time.

Last night we went in the Hot Tub after we got back from trick or treating.

Taty, Tori, Sam and I all had our legs tucked into our chests.

Sweeny Todd was really good even though I had already seen it,

Tori and Sam really liked it,

Even though they didn't want to watch it in the first place =]

Sam didn't even want to sleep over, lol

"I Like My Own Bed"

some excuse.

He had fun =]

His mother made him sleep over,

she's one of my new favorite people,

along with Tatyana's mom,

she brought me PEPSI at rehersal today.

She's my new bff.

SO PARIS BACK OFF.

We talked for like ever,

it was so fun,

at some point in the early morning we started calling ourselves the "Fab5"

We're super fly like that.

I think that was the best Halloween I've ever had.

-ZOMG-

-LOL-

-HAHAHA-

some people thought Marco was a girl when we went trick or treating,

because he was dressed up as "white trash"

It was so funny! He confused the Mayor of PVD.

Ahhh we're so fierce.

Tori Lee was so fierceness.

She didn't give me her Twix, but I forgive her ♥

And I asked my mother if we could do it again next weekend,

this time with Shelby and Gabby,

cuz they're MAD ferocious.

And we took funny pictures on Sam's phone.

GAWD you all need to txt him and see if he'll send them to you.

They're legit-redic

Matt got all pissy at HSM rehersal today-

He was yelling at Marco,

and then he yelled at all of us.

Like no offense Matt, but how would you know how good we're doing, since you're never at rehersal and when you are you're texting people on your phone ☺

I am so tired I'm going to stop before I get really bitchy ✌

Haha, Luhve You!